I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
how does that bad decision feel?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize