I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
