i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
