we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
