I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
