My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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