Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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