even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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