I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
