Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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