I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
