I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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