I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
