Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
