Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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