FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
