The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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