Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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