I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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