I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
