True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
