I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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