girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
