We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
