He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
