if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How does it feel to date your dad?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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