You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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