I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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