One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
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I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize