The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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