somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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