just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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