Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
