New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
not ubering you a puppy
I need water and some morals
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
