Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
