someone threw a dead crab at me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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