Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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