I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
