Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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