either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
