More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
