he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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