I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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