I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
