I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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