I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
