I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Im part way to drunk.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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