I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
