I wish my penis had an off switch
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They took my balls.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
