Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
