the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
