Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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