if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
