Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
