you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm at about main and main street
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi