He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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