Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
