He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
