If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
