OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
