his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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