i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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