last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
